Sigh I just had a thought a few hours ago. Why am I trying so hard to recall this thing that not even my brain wants to think about? That¡¯s why I¡¯ve been putting off writing anything for the past almost 3 weeks tbh. And fuck it you know. It¡¯s bothering me so much that I¡¯m not writing anything, so I¡¯m just gonna write. Forget about the bullshit I wanna record down in case I wanna review it. But I don¡¯t think I will ever forget it because my brain is in so much pain even just trying to think about so I guess it will stay there for a while.

Okay... first of all... I think William is showing me a little too much affection. Like... just a little too much... and I hope I¡¯m reading all the signs wrong. He texts me out of nowhere. Indication that he miss talking to me. Invites me to games. Indication that he thinks about me when he¡¯s playing games. Which- is nice, no complains there really. Calls me out of nowhere when he hasn¡¯t heard me the whole day. Another indication that he misses me. Stays behind in the league client just so he can have one on one talk with me..? He also invited me to their little D&D weekly game night... An activity I deem very personal and provide between that certain group of people... and like I just feel like he should back up a little bit... you know...? Cuz these are actions that you will only do if you¡¯re really digging the person. Honestly Mich from a year or two ago would¡¯ve totally fell for that shit and would hop on that dick so quick. But now this bitch has been through some real shit and gotten tougher emotionally, I don¡¯t fall for that anymore. I hope all the points I listed above are wrong. So wrong that I¡¯m just making this shit up. Also another point is just that, I am trying to have fun with the right people right now. I am not into anyone or trying to get with anyone atm. William is playing a dangerous game. Because if I am right, I¡¯m sorry man nothing good will come out, I¡¯m not into anyone at the moment. But if I am wrong, thank god, he just wants to include me in activities he meant only for his close friends.

Now onto someone else I also think should back up a little, Josh. I started talking to him after he¡¯s all sad and shit from his ¡°friendly¡± break up with Seohee. Yeah yeah whatever, keep saying you guys are just best friends.

I cammed him last night. And he just kept asking me to do this and that with my hair and stuff. I didn¡¯t want to cuz my hair was greasy and I didn¡¯t wanna look ugly man. I said those enough and he said something that kinda triggered me. ¡°Nothing¡¯s changed, you¡¯re still the same. Still insecure about these things.¡± First of all, we are not together and I¡¯m not trying to get back together with you either. Second of all, accept me for my reasonings, you know? Don¡¯t force upon others that just because you feel a certain way, they gotta do it too. The thing that Seng once said about how when Josh feels bad, he makes everyone feel bad with him. Yea experienced it last night and this bitch right here straight up did not get shaken up. I know that trick now and I¡¯m tougher to break. So fuck you, I¡¯m my own boss before anything or anyone else. I won¡¯t let you dictate how I am gonna feel.
And I guess later on he¡¯s like why are we camming now..? After like so many month? I guess he saw this activity as somewhat intimate, that¡¯s why he had to question it. And yea you know I think so too. But ya girl was looking semi-okay and feeling herself that day so that¡¯s why she wanted to cam. Tbh the whole time that I was talking to him I was mainly looking at myself LMAOOOOOO.

Anyways, on to another bing bong in my life, Seng. Seng is in the feelings right now man honestly. He has a girl that he loves and ¡°sadly loves him back.¡± He feels that he is not good enough for this girl and that he¡¯s not worth it in the relationship. But Sophie says that he doesn¡¯t get to decide who stops loving him or his worth. This girl was willing to worth through with Seng¡¯s bullshit insecurities. This girl really is a keeper and it is so sad because they both love each other but it¡¯s just that Seng doesn¡¯t do relationships and at the same time don¡¯t trust himself in one. I think Sophie is a great girl from the sound of it. She¡¯s smart and empathetic and is willing to work with Seng mentally. That one has got to be hard. Yet she¡¯s still down. She really loves him. I know how his previous has traumatized him into getting into another relationship. It¡¯s almost been 3 years and yet it still haunts him. It¡¯s truly sad. I hope he¡¯s okay.


I didn¡¯t really talk to anyone last night besides just William. And I felt a sort of emptiness. Kinda like as if I¡¯m missing something. Maybe cuz I miss them. I don¡¯t know. But I was in a call with like Jum and Andrew tho. Guess that wasn¡¯t enough.

Also lately I¡¯m like easily annoyed and frustrated. I¡¯m sure it¡¯s not hormones, it¡¯s probably something that¡¯s bothering me. I know what¡¯s bothering me tho, it¡¯s because I can¡¯t write about the thing my brain don¡¯t wanna think about and it¡¯s making me low key mad. But anyways, now that I¡¯ve written something, I hope i feel better and it gets better.